I'm back

Firstly, was I missed?

I bloody well hope so but also suspect that the resounding answer is 'Oh, you were away?'

Australia was fantastic. The only problem is the men and trying to decipher who is gay, who is not and who wants to be as they are all so beautifully turned out. By the end of the trip I devised a fool-proof way of spotting who is who.

The Straights

These are the ones who have the body that suits their frame - fat, thin, muscular whatever, it just suits them.

They also have sensible hair.

The Metrosexuals

These are the ones with impossibly muscled upper bodies and legs that Colonel Sanders would be proud of. Such is the imbalance between the two that they often look as is they are about to loose their balance and topple over. The Metrosexual has also perfected the art of plucking - just enough to give them two eyebrows but not enough to make them look like alopecia sufferers.

The Gays

These are the ones who realised that the Metrosexuals were catching them up so have pumped up their bodies to ridiculous proportions and given Mama Nature a little help with overdoses of steroids. Such is the enormity of their muscles that they usually are accompanied by a fag hag who assist them in their plucking. These ladies apply their role with such aplomb (well they do have to justify their existence after all) that the hirsute gay man is now on the International Wildlife Fund's extinction watch list.